Yesterday night was really difficult for me, I was not able to sleep nor I was not able to read or watch something properly. I managed to sleep around 5am after wrestling with my pillow and thoughts of you.

11am I woke up to the news that there is a potential earthquake in the area I’m currently staying, i.e in the Bay Area of SFO. This is a 7.0 magnitude quake, so anything can happen. I simply couldn’t brush off the feeling that I have so much to talk to you, and Yet I haven’t done much to do just that. I have so much to tell you but I never took the time to do that. I don’t know when you became the 2nd priority, I hope you understand that my heart and soul is with someone else and I don’t have control over it for the past 18+ years.

I want to tell you that I’m sorry that I should have done more for you, spoken more to you, understood what you need and given you more importance in this rat race of a life. While a lot of feelings do find some justification or reasons, I haven’t been just to you and that is what i feel sorry for. I simply put everyone else, above you and never cared for how much you need me. I wonder if it is because I was trying to suppress my feelings about someone else more important than you ?

I have always been this kid in a candy store when it came to others, always excited, funny, caring, loving and understanding. But when it came to you I have never done any of that and took you for granted thinking you will understand. Being a social animal, actually never made me be social with you and that is what I don’t know how to fix. Can I take help of you to fix this ? Or should I get that lone time with someone who I can speak for hours in silence and yet spoken stories after stories of what’s happening in my world.

Even when I’m trying to write this, I feel there is a part missing, I know that I need the other half of me to fill this void to be able to….. I hope I will get the time to tell you how sorry I’m for being me. I refuse to learn, I refuse to accept, I refuse to believe I can never be full again.

Because what you wish for is what the universe grants, and I have been begging the universe to make me full again.

If this is not my last note to you…… you know I will do my best to make you complete again and the phase of me has already started.

Love,

K.C.